Dear Gum Spitter:

Dear Gum Spitter:

While it is understandable that spitting gum out of your mouth and seeing how far you spit it is fun, you should realize that it becomes a tad unacceptable for someone over the age of 10.
It looked like you and your other business friend/colleague were having fun seeing who could spit their gum the farthest and while I'm sure it is fun, it is my recommendation that you do this in a more secluded area than the train station where others happen to be walking by or waiting on the approaching train...

Dear Inappropriate Poker:

Dear Inappropriate Poker:

While I realize we all have different ways of showing affection it is my belief that some ways of showing said affections should be censored.
An umbrella is used, by most, for keeping dry from the rain.
However, Inappropriate Poker, you decided to show the guy you care for just how much you care by poking an umbrella in his bum.
Now, what you do with said umbrella in the privacy of your own dwelling is your business but please be respectively to others in public settings (i.e. the restaurant) and refrain from such behavior...

Dear Potty-Mouth Teacher:

Dear Potty-Mouth Teacher:

I was pleasantly surprised to see a teacher taking time to tutor children after school.
I was not so pleasantly surprised when you proclaimed "shit!" numerous times in front of the children under tutelage.
It is understandable that English is not your first language...wait, no.
You are an adult and a facilitator.
This tells me that you have the social knowledge to know that the word you repeatedly used is not a socially acceptable word in many instances.
This being especially the case in a school setting with children, who pick up new vocabulary and use it, being present.
In the future, it is recommended that you use some common sense/decency and refrain from speaking such words...

Dear Belcher:

Dear Belcher:

Don't.
I understand that passing gas is a normal and even a healthy function of the human body but knowing the time, place and even proper method for doing so is important.
Alone in one's home - fine place to let loose.
In a restaurant at lunch time - not so couth.
If you must belch in a public setting, and this is understandable, Belcher, please refrain from doing loud enough that the other patrons of said restaurant can hear.
While it may make you feel better, it unsettles others...

Dear Teacher:

Dear Teacher:

As a teacher you are expected to be a role model for young, impressionable students.
While I respect the fact that you have a good relationship with students it is my belief that a line should be drawn with regards to some antics.
Yes, it might be perceived by some as "funny" to act as a nine year old and attempt to stick both your forefingers up another teachers bum as he is teaching.
However, I think it might be time to stop when the class of third graders is chastising you.
Know boundaries, they can help...

Dear Meeting Organizer:

Dear Meeting Organizer:

When organizing a meeting I appreciate the fact that you let me know the details weeks in advance.
What I do not appreciate, however, is the fact that you changed the meeting time and forgot to inform me of said changes.
Please make an effort to notify me of any future changes as it would be nice to enjoy any future days off in their entirety...

Dear Wiper:

Dear Wiper:

Yes, I am well aware that it is hot outside and people tend to sweat when it's hot.
I am also familiar with the fact, and positive solution, that many members of society carry a small hand towel, handkerchief, or tissues to wipe sweat from their bodies.
And yes, I do know that people sweat in the crevasses of their bodies where the skin is tighter and air cannot penetrate as easily.
With that being said, I completely understand your desire to wipe the sweat from those areas.
However, it is my belief that the sidewalk is not the appropriate place to wipe the sweat from one's arse crack.
Perhaps you should decide to do this in the restroom as a way of relieving yourself from the wet liquid in your pants?
If you cannot find a restroom to hide the shame of this act, at least please do not take the used tissue and throw it (baseball style or any other way) into the nearest bushes where someone else will have to clean up you dirty, sweaty, used tissue or where said tissue might blow into the path of others.
Stay Cool, Stay Classy...

Dear Child:

Dear Child:

It is not appropriate to defecate in the entrance lobby of the school.
If you feel a pain or pressure in your abdominal region please find the nearest restroom and the toilet located inside.
Leaving feces in the floor is a hazard on many levels.
It's also probably not too great for your social standing.
Not to mention just plain gross!
So, Child, if you need further assistance please see your parents (although we may be past that stage by now) or perhaps the school nurse or even consult a school map!
I don't want to have to step over another contaminated area again so please be cautious...

Dear Self-Communicator:

Dear Self-Communicator:

While I'm sure whatever it is that you are saying to yourself You deem as being important, the people in your vicinity probably think otherwise.
Here are two options available to you in order to curtail this problem:
1) Speak up - Someone might be able to help you with the issue at hand.
2) Zip it up - Speak to yourself with your mouth closed while keeping your voicebox still.
Both of these avenues are sure to cure. Or, as much as you mumble, why not try both!...

Dear Ear Cleaner:

Dear Ear Cleaner:

While I appreciate you making an effort to clean your ear, it is my recommendation that you:
a) refrain from cleaning your ear while in the presence of others - in this case work and
b) use a q-tip, tissue, or some other special made ear cleaning instrument instead of a pen - I'm not sure how safe, sanitary, or pleasant it would be for the unsuspecting person that might be using that pen after you to feel your sticky and or slimy earwax on their fingers...

Dear Parents:

Dear Parents:

If your child is cross-eyed please look into purchasing some glasses for him or her or at least making an appointment with an optometrist.
The poor child.
I couldn't help but to look into both of their eyes.
I was unsure of which one to speak to.
It felt like they were watching me from every angle.
I am in no way making fun of this poor creature.
I too have been known to be cross-eyed from time to time so I sympathize with their pain.
This is why I implore you, Parents, to attempt to remedy the issue as quickly as possible...

Dear Litter Lady:

Dear Litter Lady:

That was a very cute puppy you were taking for a walk this evening.
Very nice of you to allow the puppy some exercise and fresh air.
It was even very considerate of you to pick up the "present" your cute puppy left behind. (As cute puppies tend to do from time to time.
What was not nice about you?
The fact that you decided to drop this package over a fence into some poor unsuspecting neighbors yard.
Now, Litter Lady, How would you feel if someone dropped off something similar in your yard?
I bet you would not be too excited to receive such a gift.
Please continue to walk your puppy and to clean up after it but please find other means of disposing of what they, will inevitably, leave behind...

Dear T-Shirt Man:

Dear T-Shirt Man:

No one should wear a shirt proclaiming: "This is my Lover!" (with a hot pink arrow on a black background and pointing to the right)
Ok, perhaps some people can -  exercisers, people cleaning, teenagers, college students with no prospects of prosper in their immediate future, homeless.
Please refrain from expressing yourself in this manner, T-Shirt Man.
It is not becoming to you and, in fact, makes you appear childish and immature.
Fashion Fail to you sir...

Dear Employee:

Dear Employee:

Take these following points as words of advice:

Smile - It's not hard and it shows the customer that you are approachable and interested in helping them with their needs. Boy language is important here as well.

Know your job - This is crucial, Employee. When the customer asks you questions it is very useful for you to know how to answer said customer with knowledgeable information relating to your company's products. It is not beneficial to the customer for you to relay information to that customer only for you to later in the purchasing process provide contrary information.

Act like you care - Employee, I completely understand and sympathize with you that you might hate your, more than likely part-time, job. However, if this is your full time job then perhaps you have a few more reasons? Anyway, please attempt to act like you care about your job and the customer. I promise you, Employee, that if you make an effort this will, more than likely, persuade the customer to be more pleasant. And who doesn't want to at least make the best of a not so pleasant experience?

Think of it this way: You're making money, Employee. The customer is losing money. This should provide some sort of solace, right?...

Dear Ignorer:

Dear Ignorer:

Don't.
Why would you be so rude?
How would you feel if someone spoke to you only to have you talk over them as if their voice was a passing breeze?
Not very good social skills, Ignorer.
On subsequent occasions that person might think twice before sending out an olive branch, in the form of verbal communication, as a way of forming a sort of bond...

Dear Creepy Art Teacher:

Dear Creepy Art Teacher:

Thank you for dinning with me and the little ones during lunch.
I appreciate the fact that you attempted to facilitate conversation between us by suggesting questions for the children to ask me.
However, I believe the conversation is inappropriate if it follows this pattern:

Creepy Art Teacher: "Who do you love?"
Me: (trying to defuse the sexually insinuating question - this was a group of first graders after all) "My Mother."
Creepy Art Teacher: "Did you drink her breast milk?"

WTF, Creepy Art Teacher?
This raced through my head as I struggled to regain control of the situation and of the milk that was angrily threatening to burst from my mouth.
Again, I am happy that you took an interest in our meal time conversations but please refrain from injecting any parts of my mother's, or any one else's, anatomy into future conversations.
On a final note; if you do decide to not follow this advise and once again ask related questions, please try not to use hand gestures (cupping your hands around an imaginary breast and pursing your lips as if suckling) to convey your message...

Dear Parents:

Dear Parents:

Please know the sex of your child and dress him or her accordingly.
I am all for purchasing a purple shirt that reads:
Jesus Loves This Girl
(in purple with prayer hands...at least I think they were prayer hands)
But please do the child, who you are purchasing the clothing for, a favor and make sure the wording matches his or her gender.
I completely lost my train of thought and had to stop class to have a closer inspection of this young one's shirt. (and subsequently the child himself...had to check about three times and compare the name to the face in order to confirm my suspicions)
Perhaps you are being all liberal and moderate? I understand freedom and equal rights for all but take care not to inflict an identity crisis on your offspring...

Dear Paycheck:

Dear Paycheck:

Where have you gone?
You were here a few hours ago and now you have disappeared as if some part of a dream.
You set me up for a fall, Paycheck.
I thought you would stick around for a while this time.
You always do this.
You show up and promise to hang round and then end up leaving me for others.
Are they your friends? The Bill Gang? Are they your friends? Do they offer you something I don't?
Anyway, now you're gone and I'm all alone again with the ones who are always here to pick up the pieces after; Depression, Hunger, and Boredom.
I'll anxiously await your return. Try not to be long this time...

Dear Old Man:

Dear Old Man:

I couldn't help but notice you had a nice charm hanging from your phone.
Some people may say that adults or even men shouldn't accessorize their phones in any way.
I say go for it, Old Man.
You rock that skull phone charm in all its bedazzled glory and let it proudly swing out of your pocket, as a symbol of your individuality, for all the train passengers to see!...

Dear Japanese T.V. Producers:

Dear Japanese T.V. Producers:

I completely understand the need for voice overs.
As a foreigner I can appreciate that you, the translators and the voice actors take time to translate what foreigner speakers say into your native language.
What I do not understand is your constant insistence on making foreign speakers sound as if they overacting when they speak. I know for a fact that many normal western men do not speak as if they have been on pumped full of steroids for the past ten years of their lives. Or as if they are trying out for a part in a Shakespeare play.
I also do not know of many western women who speak as if they are trying out for the baritone part in a musical. Or as if they just came of the set of an adult film. I'm not sure where you get your references from but you need new consultants for more authentic sounding foreign speakers.
Is it animosity left over from the way some westerners portrayed your take of Godzilla? This is the only thing I can possibly think of. Your portrayals come off as rude and ignorant. Please accept this kind advice as a way of bettering your relationship with your foreign visitors.
I propose we enact a peace treaty, Japanese T.V. Producers, and attempt to use more authentic sounding voice actors... 

Dear Starbucks:

Dear Starbucks:

Thank you for being a constant source positive anticipation during my work week.
Although you are by no means cheap, (as my wallet just whimpered at me), I feel that you play a vital part in motivating me to get up in the mornings that I visit you. 
Some people believe that I throw away money, (please wallet, I promise I won't bother you for a while),  but I see you as an investment in happiness.
The moment that sweet coffee concoction broaches my lips I feel immediate gratification and know that you were worth the price of a round trip train ticket and subsequent hike home because I can't afford the train fare...

Dear Oversharer:

Dear Oversharer:

Please know the time and the place to discuss some subjects. Also, please be aware of the relationship that you have with those you are speaking to before bringing up specific subjects. As only your co-worker, I do not need to be made aware that an old man, who we just passed on the street, "let one rip". This is not vital information that I feel I should be notified of...This contributed to my immediately slowing down and attempting to join another conversation which I had no prior knowledge of...

Dear Narcissism:

Dear Narcissism:

Ain't nothing wrong with loving ones self.
Thanks for being a great personal cheerleader!
If you don't love yourself no one else will. (That might not be exactly true but it sounds really good and inspirational!)
So, Narcissism, come round to visit anytime. And don't be afraid to invite your pals Vanity, Self Love, and Pampering...(In moderation, of course. Not talking loading up the U-Haul and moving in. Don't want to become self infatuated.)...

Dear Child:

Dear Child:

No, it is not socially acceptable to flip the bird.
Yes, I understand you are a pre-teen and young children experiment with their feelings and try to be cool.
At first I thought you were just joking around with your mates but I soon realized it wasn't such a joke as business being meant when you brought out your country's sign for "go to hades" to accompany the big bird.
On a side note - I did have a chuckle at your actions but that's neither here nor there... 

Dear School:

Dear School:

Why are there a plethora of unicycles present on your premises?
In understand the balls and jump ropes. The monkey bars even make sense.
But the unicycles?
Ok, I thought to give you the benefit of the doubt.
The unicycles looked fun! And I suppose it could be an interesting skill - for a future circus performer.
However, my mind was soon changed as I witnessed young children trying and failing to ride the contraptions.
I thought this was because they were first and second graders and that the children must eventually learn how to ride them since they have years to practice. That is when I witnessed some fifth and sixth graders giving the one-wheeled devil a shot...and failing.
Now, school, here is my question: Why?
Why spend the money on all these half-bikes when 90% of the children don't know how to use them?
Is there a conspiracy? Are there too many business people in this country so that you hope to push some of them into the entertainment business?...(and by entertainment I mean the kind involving colorful big tops and clowns in little cars)
Perhaps I'm over exaggerating but couldn't the money be used for a more productive cause?
Less unicycle and more of the elusive whiteboard?...

Dear Smoker:

Dear Smoker:

What you do to your body is your business.
However, your cloud of cancer that you billow out while walking down the public street becomes the problem of others.
In this case - me.
Yes, Smoker, I will make an obnoxious waving gesture with my hand in order to get my point across that you are harming me with your toxic cloud.
I know it doesn't seem kind of me but it's actually good advice for the future.
My lungs begged me to say something to you as they closed up and called for reinforcements in an effort to protect themselves from your noxious fumes.
However, my kind heart stepped to the forefront of the battle and decided on a subtle hint instead.
Hope you understood... 

Dear Judgemental:

Dear Judgemental:

Just don't.
If a query is posed to people then, more than likely, a serious answer is being sought.
This advise is for your benefit, Judgemental.
It makes you like bad when you reply with negativity or arrogance.
It's not something that's becoming.
Let me step of my high horse for a moment. (let those without a glass house throw that stone and all...you get the point)
I, like most people, am all for taking a good jab...at my friends...who know I'm joking.
Timing is everything in this case.
Otherwise you're just being ugly. (and we all know you don't need any farther push in that department)...

Dear Pedestrians:

Dear Pedestrians:

The sidewalk is there for a reason. Please don't complain about cyclists if you decide to walk in the street and not on the sidewalk.
More than likely the cyclists have chosen to ride on the road instead of on the sidewalk in an effort to keep from hitting you.
Common sense might be a fine tool to utilize in this situation...

Dear Optimists:

Dear Optimists:

People say hindsight is 20/20. They say we can't undo the things that have been done. We hear them say; "If I had the chance to go back and do things differently, I wouldn't change a thing."
I ask - What is wrong with you?
There is always something that could have been altered in order to better the outcome.
Why would you not change things if given the opportunity?
Now I've heard that; "Oh, the lessons made me a stronger person." and all that but still...
I suppose it's simply that we can't change the past that we come up with excuses in order to comfort ourselves for things that - were less than perfect - got us to where we are... 

Dear People Who Exercise:

Dear People Who Exercise:

I understand why you do what you do.
I'm even envious that you seem to enjoy it.
My questions are: Why do you enjoy it and How can I gain this insight and desire?
No, People Who Exercise, I'm not a bed-ridden beast. (Actually, I just finished a run.) Just curious.
My future healthier and toned body thanks you.

Dear Scooter Man:

Dear Scooter Man:

I understand the desire and perhaps even the need to use your cell phone while on your scooter. However, it might be a tad bit dangerous considering you were using your left hand to hold the phone to your ear and your right hand to drive. I say this because the acceleration is controlled by your right hand.
On a side note - Seeing this incident makes me want to become the proud owner of a hands-free device.
Perhaps a bluetooth? (Nice color please - I can hear a nice small, unique one calling my name.)
Now, if I only had that money. (As my wallet growls at me and my credit card whimpers.)...

Dear Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna:

Thanks for Finally coming out with a song that I actually like. I've missed your good songs...

Dear Education System:

Dear Education System:

Why am I expected to teach some of these things in English? The kids (and some native speaking teachers) don't even know what these things are in their own language. While I think it was an interesting subject, I believe teaching something more relevant, or at least pre-teaching this information in their native tongue, would be more productive and understandable...

Dear Lunch Lady:

Dear Lunch Lady:

It is my belief that serving rice and potatoes during the same meal is starch overkill.
My stomach still feels bloated from pushing all that down...

Dear School:

Dear School:

Please leave the restroom door closed.
I'm not comfortable using the bathroom in the sight of teachers and students...

Dear Hanes:

Dear Hanes:

Please start to manufacture the all white socks once again.
I'm not a fan of the grey toed/heeled ones.
They make me feel old...

Dear People on the Train:

Dear People on the Train:

It is now summer.
It is also humid.
Before stepping onto the jam-packed train for your morning commute, please be considerate and shower...

Dear Friend:

Dear Friend:
Thanks for giving me the idea to do this.

Dear Me:

Dear Me,
Say what you've seen, heard, felt, and experienced. And don't regret.
You can do this.