Dear Potty-Mouth Teacher:

Dear Potty-Mouth Teacher:

I was pleasantly surprised to see a teacher taking time to tutor children after school.
I was not so pleasantly surprised when you proclaimed "shit!" numerous times in front of the children under tutelage.
It is understandable that English is not your first language...wait, no.
You are an adult and a facilitator.
This tells me that you have the social knowledge to know that the word you repeatedly used is not a socially acceptable word in many instances.
This being especially the case in a school setting with children, who pick up new vocabulary and use it, being present.
In the future, it is recommended that you use some common sense/decency and refrain from speaking such words...

Dear Belcher:

Dear Belcher:

Don't.
I understand that passing gas is a normal and even a healthy function of the human body but knowing the time, place and even proper method for doing so is important.
Alone in one's home - fine place to let loose.
In a restaurant at lunch time - not so couth.
If you must belch in a public setting, and this is understandable, Belcher, please refrain from doing loud enough that the other patrons of said restaurant can hear.
While it may make you feel better, it unsettles others...

Dear Teacher:

Dear Teacher:

As a teacher you are expected to be a role model for young, impressionable students.
While I respect the fact that you have a good relationship with students it is my belief that a line should be drawn with regards to some antics.
Yes, it might be perceived by some as "funny" to act as a nine year old and attempt to stick both your forefingers up another teachers bum as he is teaching.
However, I think it might be time to stop when the class of third graders is chastising you.
Know boundaries, they can help...

Dear Meeting Organizer:

Dear Meeting Organizer:

When organizing a meeting I appreciate the fact that you let me know the details weeks in advance.
What I do not appreciate, however, is the fact that you changed the meeting time and forgot to inform me of said changes.
Please make an effort to notify me of any future changes as it would be nice to enjoy any future days off in their entirety...

Dear Wiper:

Dear Wiper:

Yes, I am well aware that it is hot outside and people tend to sweat when it's hot.
I am also familiar with the fact, and positive solution, that many members of society carry a small hand towel, handkerchief, or tissues to wipe sweat from their bodies.
And yes, I do know that people sweat in the crevasses of their bodies where the skin is tighter and air cannot penetrate as easily.
With that being said, I completely understand your desire to wipe the sweat from those areas.
However, it is my belief that the sidewalk is not the appropriate place to wipe the sweat from one's arse crack.
Perhaps you should decide to do this in the restroom as a way of relieving yourself from the wet liquid in your pants?
If you cannot find a restroom to hide the shame of this act, at least please do not take the used tissue and throw it (baseball style or any other way) into the nearest bushes where someone else will have to clean up you dirty, sweaty, used tissue or where said tissue might blow into the path of others.
Stay Cool, Stay Classy...

Dear Child:

Dear Child:

It is not appropriate to defecate in the entrance lobby of the school.
If you feel a pain or pressure in your abdominal region please find the nearest restroom and the toilet located inside.
Leaving feces in the floor is a hazard on many levels.
It's also probably not too great for your social standing.
Not to mention just plain gross!
So, Child, if you need further assistance please see your parents (although we may be past that stage by now) or perhaps the school nurse or even consult a school map!
I don't want to have to step over another contaminated area again so please be cautious...

Dear Self-Communicator:

Dear Self-Communicator:

While I'm sure whatever it is that you are saying to yourself You deem as being important, the people in your vicinity probably think otherwise.
Here are two options available to you in order to curtail this problem:
1) Speak up - Someone might be able to help you with the issue at hand.
2) Zip it up - Speak to yourself with your mouth closed while keeping your voicebox still.
Both of these avenues are sure to cure. Or, as much as you mumble, why not try both!...

Dear Ear Cleaner:

Dear Ear Cleaner:

While I appreciate you making an effort to clean your ear, it is my recommendation that you:
a) refrain from cleaning your ear while in the presence of others - in this case work and
b) use a q-tip, tissue, or some other special made ear cleaning instrument instead of a pen - I'm not sure how safe, sanitary, or pleasant it would be for the unsuspecting person that might be using that pen after you to feel your sticky and or slimy earwax on their fingers...

Dear Parents:

Dear Parents:

If your child is cross-eyed please look into purchasing some glasses for him or her or at least making an appointment with an optometrist.
The poor child.
I couldn't help but to look into both of their eyes.
I was unsure of which one to speak to.
It felt like they were watching me from every angle.
I am in no way making fun of this poor creature.
I too have been known to be cross-eyed from time to time so I sympathize with their pain.
This is why I implore you, Parents, to attempt to remedy the issue as quickly as possible...

Dear Litter Lady:

Dear Litter Lady:

That was a very cute puppy you were taking for a walk this evening.
Very nice of you to allow the puppy some exercise and fresh air.
It was even very considerate of you to pick up the "present" your cute puppy left behind. (As cute puppies tend to do from time to time.
What was not nice about you?
The fact that you decided to drop this package over a fence into some poor unsuspecting neighbors yard.
Now, Litter Lady, How would you feel if someone dropped off something similar in your yard?
I bet you would not be too excited to receive such a gift.
Please continue to walk your puppy and to clean up after it but please find other means of disposing of what they, will inevitably, leave behind...

Dear T-Shirt Man:

Dear T-Shirt Man:

No one should wear a shirt proclaiming: "This is my Lover!" (with a hot pink arrow on a black background and pointing to the right)
Ok, perhaps some people can -  exercisers, people cleaning, teenagers, college students with no prospects of prosper in their immediate future, homeless.
Please refrain from expressing yourself in this manner, T-Shirt Man.
It is not becoming to you and, in fact, makes you appear childish and immature.
Fashion Fail to you sir...

Dear Employee:

Dear Employee:

Take these following points as words of advice:

Smile - It's not hard and it shows the customer that you are approachable and interested in helping them with their needs. Boy language is important here as well.

Know your job - This is crucial, Employee. When the customer asks you questions it is very useful for you to know how to answer said customer with knowledgeable information relating to your company's products. It is not beneficial to the customer for you to relay information to that customer only for you to later in the purchasing process provide contrary information.

Act like you care - Employee, I completely understand and sympathize with you that you might hate your, more than likely part-time, job. However, if this is your full time job then perhaps you have a few more reasons? Anyway, please attempt to act like you care about your job and the customer. I promise you, Employee, that if you make an effort this will, more than likely, persuade the customer to be more pleasant. And who doesn't want to at least make the best of a not so pleasant experience?

Think of it this way: You're making money, Employee. The customer is losing money. This should provide some sort of solace, right?...

Dear Ignorer:

Dear Ignorer:

Don't.
Why would you be so rude?
How would you feel if someone spoke to you only to have you talk over them as if their voice was a passing breeze?
Not very good social skills, Ignorer.
On subsequent occasions that person might think twice before sending out an olive branch, in the form of verbal communication, as a way of forming a sort of bond...

Dear Creepy Art Teacher:

Dear Creepy Art Teacher:

Thank you for dinning with me and the little ones during lunch.
I appreciate the fact that you attempted to facilitate conversation between us by suggesting questions for the children to ask me.
However, I believe the conversation is inappropriate if it follows this pattern:

Creepy Art Teacher: "Who do you love?"
Me: (trying to defuse the sexually insinuating question - this was a group of first graders after all) "My Mother."
Creepy Art Teacher: "Did you drink her breast milk?"

WTF, Creepy Art Teacher?
This raced through my head as I struggled to regain control of the situation and of the milk that was angrily threatening to burst from my mouth.
Again, I am happy that you took an interest in our meal time conversations but please refrain from injecting any parts of my mother's, or any one else's, anatomy into future conversations.
On a final note; if you do decide to not follow this advise and once again ask related questions, please try not to use hand gestures (cupping your hands around an imaginary breast and pursing your lips as if suckling) to convey your message...

Dear Parents:

Dear Parents:

Please know the sex of your child and dress him or her accordingly.
I am all for purchasing a purple shirt that reads:
Jesus Loves This Girl
(in purple with prayer hands...at least I think they were prayer hands)
But please do the child, who you are purchasing the clothing for, a favor and make sure the wording matches his or her gender.
I completely lost my train of thought and had to stop class to have a closer inspection of this young one's shirt. (and subsequently the child himself...had to check about three times and compare the name to the face in order to confirm my suspicions)
Perhaps you are being all liberal and moderate? I understand freedom and equal rights for all but take care not to inflict an identity crisis on your offspring...

Dear Paycheck:

Dear Paycheck:

Where have you gone?
You were here a few hours ago and now you have disappeared as if some part of a dream.
You set me up for a fall, Paycheck.
I thought you would stick around for a while this time.
You always do this.
You show up and promise to hang round and then end up leaving me for others.
Are they your friends? The Bill Gang? Are they your friends? Do they offer you something I don't?
Anyway, now you're gone and I'm all alone again with the ones who are always here to pick up the pieces after; Depression, Hunger, and Boredom.
I'll anxiously await your return. Try not to be long this time...

Dear Old Man:

Dear Old Man:

I couldn't help but notice you had a nice charm hanging from your phone.
Some people may say that adults or even men shouldn't accessorize their phones in any way.
I say go for it, Old Man.
You rock that skull phone charm in all its bedazzled glory and let it proudly swing out of your pocket, as a symbol of your individuality, for all the train passengers to see!...