Dear Child:

Dear Child:

It is not appropriate to defecate in the entrance lobby of the school.
If you feel a pain or pressure in your abdominal region please find the nearest restroom and the toilet located inside.
Leaving feces in the floor is a hazard on many levels.
It's also probably not too great for your social standing.
Not to mention just plain gross!
So, Child, if you need further assistance please see your parents (although we may be past that stage by now) or perhaps the school nurse or even consult a school map!
I don't want to have to step over another contaminated area again so please be cautious...

Dear Self-Communicator:

Dear Self-Communicator:

While I'm sure whatever it is that you are saying to yourself You deem as being important, the people in your vicinity probably think otherwise.
Here are two options available to you in order to curtail this problem:
1) Speak up - Someone might be able to help you with the issue at hand.
2) Zip it up - Speak to yourself with your mouth closed while keeping your voicebox still.
Both of these avenues are sure to cure. Or, as much as you mumble, why not try both!...

Dear Ear Cleaner:

Dear Ear Cleaner:

While I appreciate you making an effort to clean your ear, it is my recommendation that you:
a) refrain from cleaning your ear while in the presence of others - in this case work and
b) use a q-tip, tissue, or some other special made ear cleaning instrument instead of a pen - I'm not sure how safe, sanitary, or pleasant it would be for the unsuspecting person that might be using that pen after you to feel your sticky and or slimy earwax on their fingers...

Dear Parents:

Dear Parents:

If your child is cross-eyed please look into purchasing some glasses for him or her or at least making an appointment with an optometrist.
The poor child.
I couldn't help but to look into both of their eyes.
I was unsure of which one to speak to.
It felt like they were watching me from every angle.
I am in no way making fun of this poor creature.
I too have been known to be cross-eyed from time to time so I sympathize with their pain.
This is why I implore you, Parents, to attempt to remedy the issue as quickly as possible...

Dear Litter Lady:

Dear Litter Lady:

That was a very cute puppy you were taking for a walk this evening.
Very nice of you to allow the puppy some exercise and fresh air.
It was even very considerate of you to pick up the "present" your cute puppy left behind. (As cute puppies tend to do from time to time.
What was not nice about you?
The fact that you decided to drop this package over a fence into some poor unsuspecting neighbors yard.
Now, Litter Lady, How would you feel if someone dropped off something similar in your yard?
I bet you would not be too excited to receive such a gift.
Please continue to walk your puppy and to clean up after it but please find other means of disposing of what they, will inevitably, leave behind...

Dear T-Shirt Man:

Dear T-Shirt Man:

No one should wear a shirt proclaiming: "This is my Lover!" (with a hot pink arrow on a black background and pointing to the right)
Ok, perhaps some people can -  exercisers, people cleaning, teenagers, college students with no prospects of prosper in their immediate future, homeless.
Please refrain from expressing yourself in this manner, T-Shirt Man.
It is not becoming to you and, in fact, makes you appear childish and immature.
Fashion Fail to you sir...

Dear Employee:

Dear Employee:

Take these following points as words of advice:

Smile - It's not hard and it shows the customer that you are approachable and interested in helping them with their needs. Boy language is important here as well.

Know your job - This is crucial, Employee. When the customer asks you questions it is very useful for you to know how to answer said customer with knowledgeable information relating to your company's products. It is not beneficial to the customer for you to relay information to that customer only for you to later in the purchasing process provide contrary information.

Act like you care - Employee, I completely understand and sympathize with you that you might hate your, more than likely part-time, job. However, if this is your full time job then perhaps you have a few more reasons? Anyway, please attempt to act like you care about your job and the customer. I promise you, Employee, that if you make an effort this will, more than likely, persuade the customer to be more pleasant. And who doesn't want to at least make the best of a not so pleasant experience?

Think of it this way: You're making money, Employee. The customer is losing money. This should provide some sort of solace, right?...