Dear Japanese T.V. Producers:

Dear Japanese T.V. Producers:

I completely understand the need for voice overs.
As a foreigner I can appreciate that you, the translators and the voice actors take time to translate what foreigner speakers say into your native language.
What I do not understand is your constant insistence on making foreign speakers sound as if they overacting when they speak. I know for a fact that many normal western men do not speak as if they have been on pumped full of steroids for the past ten years of their lives. Or as if they are trying out for a part in a Shakespeare play.
I also do not know of many western women who speak as if they are trying out for the baritone part in a musical. Or as if they just came of the set of an adult film. I'm not sure where you get your references from but you need new consultants for more authentic sounding foreign speakers.
Is it animosity left over from the way some westerners portrayed your take of Godzilla? This is the only thing I can possibly think of. Your portrayals come off as rude and ignorant. Please accept this kind advice as a way of bettering your relationship with your foreign visitors.
I propose we enact a peace treaty, Japanese T.V. Producers, and attempt to use more authentic sounding voice actors... 

Dear Starbucks:

Dear Starbucks:

Thank you for being a constant source positive anticipation during my work week.
Although you are by no means cheap, (as my wallet just whimpered at me), I feel that you play a vital part in motivating me to get up in the mornings that I visit you. 
Some people believe that I throw away money, (please wallet, I promise I won't bother you for a while),  but I see you as an investment in happiness.
The moment that sweet coffee concoction broaches my lips I feel immediate gratification and know that you were worth the price of a round trip train ticket and subsequent hike home because I can't afford the train fare...

Dear Oversharer:

Dear Oversharer:

Please know the time and the place to discuss some subjects. Also, please be aware of the relationship that you have with those you are speaking to before bringing up specific subjects. As only your co-worker, I do not need to be made aware that an old man, who we just passed on the street, "let one rip". This is not vital information that I feel I should be notified of...This contributed to my immediately slowing down and attempting to join another conversation which I had no prior knowledge of...

Dear Narcissism:

Dear Narcissism:

Ain't nothing wrong with loving ones self.
Thanks for being a great personal cheerleader!
If you don't love yourself no one else will. (That might not be exactly true but it sounds really good and inspirational!)
So, Narcissism, come round to visit anytime. And don't be afraid to invite your pals Vanity, Self Love, and Pampering...(In moderation, of course. Not talking loading up the U-Haul and moving in. Don't want to become self infatuated.)...

Dear Child:

Dear Child:

No, it is not socially acceptable to flip the bird.
Yes, I understand you are a pre-teen and young children experiment with their feelings and try to be cool.
At first I thought you were just joking around with your mates but I soon realized it wasn't such a joke as business being meant when you brought out your country's sign for "go to hades" to accompany the big bird.
On a side note - I did have a chuckle at your actions but that's neither here nor there... 

Dear School:

Dear School:

Why are there a plethora of unicycles present on your premises?
In understand the balls and jump ropes. The monkey bars even make sense.
But the unicycles?
Ok, I thought to give you the benefit of the doubt.
The unicycles looked fun! And I suppose it could be an interesting skill - for a future circus performer.
However, my mind was soon changed as I witnessed young children trying and failing to ride the contraptions.
I thought this was because they were first and second graders and that the children must eventually learn how to ride them since they have years to practice. That is when I witnessed some fifth and sixth graders giving the one-wheeled devil a shot...and failing.
Now, school, here is my question: Why?
Why spend the money on all these half-bikes when 90% of the children don't know how to use them?
Is there a conspiracy? Are there too many business people in this country so that you hope to push some of them into the entertainment business?...(and by entertainment I mean the kind involving colorful big tops and clowns in little cars)
Perhaps I'm over exaggerating but couldn't the money be used for a more productive cause?
Less unicycle and more of the elusive whiteboard?...

Dear Smoker:

Dear Smoker:

What you do to your body is your business.
However, your cloud of cancer that you billow out while walking down the public street becomes the problem of others.
In this case - me.
Yes, Smoker, I will make an obnoxious waving gesture with my hand in order to get my point across that you are harming me with your toxic cloud.
I know it doesn't seem kind of me but it's actually good advice for the future.
My lungs begged me to say something to you as they closed up and called for reinforcements in an effort to protect themselves from your noxious fumes.
However, my kind heart stepped to the forefront of the battle and decided on a subtle hint instead.
Hope you understood... 

Dear Judgemental:

Dear Judgemental:

Just don't.
If a query is posed to people then, more than likely, a serious answer is being sought.
This advise is for your benefit, Judgemental.
It makes you like bad when you reply with negativity or arrogance.
It's not something that's becoming.
Let me step of my high horse for a moment. (let those without a glass house throw that stone and all...you get the point)
I, like most people, am all for taking a good jab...at my friends...who know I'm joking.
Timing is everything in this case.
Otherwise you're just being ugly. (and we all know you don't need any farther push in that department)...

Dear Pedestrians:

Dear Pedestrians:

The sidewalk is there for a reason. Please don't complain about cyclists if you decide to walk in the street and not on the sidewalk.
More than likely the cyclists have chosen to ride on the road instead of on the sidewalk in an effort to keep from hitting you.
Common sense might be a fine tool to utilize in this situation...

Dear Optimists:

Dear Optimists:

People say hindsight is 20/20. They say we can't undo the things that have been done. We hear them say; "If I had the chance to go back and do things differently, I wouldn't change a thing."
I ask - What is wrong with you?
There is always something that could have been altered in order to better the outcome.
Why would you not change things if given the opportunity?
Now I've heard that; "Oh, the lessons made me a stronger person." and all that but still...
I suppose it's simply that we can't change the past that we come up with excuses in order to comfort ourselves for things that - were less than perfect - got us to where we are... 

Dear People Who Exercise:

Dear People Who Exercise:

I understand why you do what you do.
I'm even envious that you seem to enjoy it.
My questions are: Why do you enjoy it and How can I gain this insight and desire?
No, People Who Exercise, I'm not a bed-ridden beast. (Actually, I just finished a run.) Just curious.
My future healthier and toned body thanks you.

Dear Scooter Man:

Dear Scooter Man:

I understand the desire and perhaps even the need to use your cell phone while on your scooter. However, it might be a tad bit dangerous considering you were using your left hand to hold the phone to your ear and your right hand to drive. I say this because the acceleration is controlled by your right hand.
On a side note - Seeing this incident makes me want to become the proud owner of a hands-free device.
Perhaps a bluetooth? (Nice color please - I can hear a nice small, unique one calling my name.)
Now, if I only had that money. (As my wallet growls at me and my credit card whimpers.)...

Dear Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna:

Thanks for Finally coming out with a song that I actually like. I've missed your good songs...

Dear Education System:

Dear Education System:

Why am I expected to teach some of these things in English? The kids (and some native speaking teachers) don't even know what these things are in their own language. While I think it was an interesting subject, I believe teaching something more relevant, or at least pre-teaching this information in their native tongue, would be more productive and understandable...

Dear Lunch Lady:

Dear Lunch Lady:

It is my belief that serving rice and potatoes during the same meal is starch overkill.
My stomach still feels bloated from pushing all that down...

Dear School:

Dear School:

Please leave the restroom door closed.
I'm not comfortable using the bathroom in the sight of teachers and students...

Dear Hanes:

Dear Hanes:

Please start to manufacture the all white socks once again.
I'm not a fan of the grey toed/heeled ones.
They make me feel old...

Dear People on the Train:

Dear People on the Train:

It is now summer.
It is also humid.
Before stepping onto the jam-packed train for your morning commute, please be considerate and shower...

Dear Friend:

Dear Friend:
Thanks for giving me the idea to do this.

Dear Me:

Dear Me,
Say what you've seen, heard, felt, and experienced. And don't regret.
You can do this.